10/11/11
The day tat got me TERRIBLY confused!  We were both chatting online in the afternun.. Tis day, i ws feeling much much relaxed..Cz i ws very sure of wat i ws abt to do. I made my decision of not telling him anything, ANYTHING AT ALL. I ws right. He's nobody. He's just...sumbody.. Sumbody tat attracted my feelings cz..cz he just has sum 'characteristics' in him tat is quite similar to wat i created in my imagination... I've made my decision.. Tis time, very sure. No confusion.. Not going to tell him. N no. I dun love him.

9/11/2011
Two days before i told you everything tat i feel abt you.. I remember right on tis date, two years ago, i ws on phone wit my bestfriend alone in my room, walking back n forth, telling her abt tis strange feeling tat i'm getting on u..haha Of course,she was freaking out. I remember ensuring her tat i wont be "in love" wit you or smtg cz i hv nvr did it b4. N obviously i din even hv the plan to actually tell you all tis at all! I hung up then came online on msn.. Soon aft tat we chatted.. I began to tell you abt ray n tried to give u sum hints on hw i admire ur actions ar skul. Bt still i nvr wanted a relationship between us. It ws totally out of the option. I hated love! N i'm serious. I have never fallen in love b'cz i hv nvr had a good opinion abt any guys. All i noe ws tat everyone is the same. They'll be good the moment u see them, turn out to be the total opposite the moment you noe them.This ws exactly my poin of view. Even wen i felt tat u might be different frm the others, i kept on telling myself tat You'd be the same sooner or later too. I remember constantly murmuring to myself nt to say "i love you" to you. You nt  showing any signs of noticing me just proved it to me tat i'm none other than any other girls tat u've known.. It was hurtful, bt i was very happy by just having you as my best friend. It ws more than wat i cud ever wish for :) .The main reason for me nt to tell you anything was tat.. i rather have you as my friend than a lover if my confession is going to ruin our friendship b'cz u dun feel the same way.

It was just different..Very different.. Things tat u say nw r creating a different feeling in me than before.. Last year, wen u tell me tat u love me, i just tell myself tat u r out of ur mind.. Bt nw wenever u say it, i feel as if it's nt real at all.. I dun noe baby.. Wen i'm very happy u r down abt smtg.. n wen u r happy i'm down abt smtg.. N wen we both r happy, suddenly smtg will happen frm sum1 else. Tat will then bring us both down.. We r still as crazy as before baby..i still do talk a lot, n u still do listen a lot to watever crap tat i talk abt.. Bt before, all i will be thinking abt wen i talk to u is tat wether u r actually listening or not or u got bored n stop listening eventually.. Bt nw, all i think abt wen i talk is tat...is tat if i'm nt wat u expected ur gf to be like or...i'm nt same as..."her"...I dun noe baby.. To be honest..ever since u left me..i've always has tis feeling in me tat..u left b'cz she's better..so i hv to be better than her to be gud enough... Tat is y wenever i talk..i stop n think wether there's smtg running in ur mind like.."she was nt like nish..I miss her" or...just smtg like tat...T.T it hurts to say bt tat is wat i hv been feeling... bt baby..This is the bottom line.. I love you.. I once did. N i nvr stopped.. Tat is y i still hv the same feeling n more for u nw than before.. Bt u r unable to see it cz..cz i'm always asking myself twice...wether i'm going to be left alone again.. if ever i am.. i'm just not gud enough..just not gud enugh for u baby..T.T


In short baby, i hv nvr, n will nvr let anyone to distract my feelings for u. I hv stood up to everyone who hv against it..even zahara.. I hv told her tat no matter wat she does nw is nt going to affect my relationship wit u... i hv told greg tat i love you n no one cn change it. I hv told my frens who said tat u just dun worth all my sufferings tat..u were the one..right into their eyes... I nvr give u up nor our love to anyone baby.. bt i feel tat i'm just giving it up to myself.. I hv the strength to stand up to everyone bt myself..I love you baby..tat's all i cn ever say...believe it or not..i do n i just dun care of wat any1 else say..i just hope tat u feel the same..

Yes Yes. We are. Everybody has been literally enquiring me abt finally getting back together. Kinda tiring though. Tiring as in answering all those ppl wit a yes. He's there again.. Saying tat he never left. Bt of course..i still need reassurance. Just b'cz i say tat i dun trust him is nt tat i really dun trust him. It's just tat, we've been here before n it ended in a away tat we never wished for it to end. I'm just..scared. No matter wat. Watever words tat r used to ensure me tat it's nt going to happen again, i still can't just give in myself.. I'm scared tat i'll be taken advantage of again. I do trust u. In matters of u befriending other girls, yes i trust u. Bt wat abt in life..? in pure love? I'm just waiting for smtg to prove it to me completely tat i can fall for u wit nothing attached to me for any sort of safety reasons..B'cz..i just love you. I just love you so much tat i'm scared to let you know it. Love you..

I slept at 2 last nite n miraculously i ws sleeping without waking in the middle at all until 7.41 in the morning.. My phone rang n it woke me up. I thought it ws my mom giving me ms call to wake me up n ask me to do chores or smtg so i ignored the vibration n continued rolling to the other side n tried to sleep again. Bt then tis sudden thought hit my mind of wether it might be frm him. A part of me ws telling me nt to get too high cz..it might nt be him as i din expect tat he wud send me gud morning msg. bt at the same time another part of me ws praying tat it ws him.. Then i woke up n took my phone n saw his name.. I fell back on my bed n opened the msg, n it said "gud morning sweetheart :* " I took back my blanket n tugged myself back into it n closed my eyes wit the widest smile of mine on my face n a big breath of relief... For a moment.. i ws just closing eyes n thinking of hw he ws there wit me in the clinic , held my hand so tight wen i slide mine into his n kissed me without even asking me wat happened. He knew tat i needed him at tat time n he comforted me with no questions asked... i cudnt speak a word.. i just grabbed his sleeve..he looked at me in the eyes n said.." i love you.." 

Wat more cn i ask for baby..? Wat more cn i say...? Wat more cn i expect to happen..? except...except being there wit u.. Just hvg u by my side..Wat more do i need baby...? I don't.. i really don't..Even if the world meets an end...I wont care,As long as u r by my side,.i cn close my eyes forever by looking into ur's.. finding my comfort in ur arms heat.. It's enough baby. I'd experience heaven even before i'm even judged to go to either one..

My heart has been torn off sooo many times...It's in pieces..n aft a whole year..i'm still picking them up one by one trying to stick them together day by day wit every looks tat he gives me..Everytime his eyes meet mine i smile..T.T It's nt a simple courtesy of greeting..it's just..it's smtg wat really means to me. Only i wud noe hw it feels to live without those eyes..cz i honestly...honestly...honestly..did nt fall for him just like tat.. Both him n i noe hw much i thought n hw much courage it took me to actually tell him hw i felt abt him.. He had to force me n trigger me sooo much b4 i told him tat i like him.. It was b'cz it ws nt easy..T.T i thought..i thought he wudnt accept me..i thought i ws nt his type..n i din even noe hw shud a relationship be or wat happens in a relationship.. I even thought tat he wudnt want me cz..i'm nt pretty...n..we're in different religion..n..i dun noe..Bt once i spilled it out..the next second..i was literally closing my eyes n my heart ws pounding so hard tat it cud just burst out off my chest..N his reply ws simply "woooooooooooohoooooooooo" All i ws saying wen i read tat was.. Tis guy is crazy. Tis guy is Definitely crazy. He's out of his mind. Bt hey..we lasted...we really did..for one whole year...Stupid mistakes were made..Many break ups were done..Many arguments occured..many meetings were cancelled..Bt hey..we still held on strong to each other T.T i shudnt hv left him..i really shudnt hv..If i hadnt..none of tis wud hv been bothering him nor me right nw..He almost cried..he held my hand so tight..bt i held my heart stone like T.T I thought it ws the best for both of us baby..i really did.. i even consulted it wit u..we made a promise..I'm sorry baby..I really am..i'm really really sorry baby...i shudnt hv let u go baby..we shud hv just done the studying hard thing by staying together n motivating each other...with love..In tat case...both of us wud hv nt lost anything instead..our love wud hv grown much much stronger as it used to be...T.T

I used to hear tis song wen we first got together...Baby..u really made me feel like tis way.. the lyrics wic says " U showed me smtg tat i couldnt see..U opened my eyes n made me believe.." really happened baby..U showed me smtg tat i nvr knew abt love ever before...T.T