10/11/11
The day tat got me TERRIBLY confused!  We were both chatting online in the afternun.. Tis day, i ws feeling much much relaxed..Cz i ws very sure of wat i ws abt to do. I made my decision of not telling him anything, ANYTHING AT ALL. I ws right. He's nobody. He's just...sumbody.. Sumbody tat attracted my feelings cz..cz he just has sum 'characteristics' in him tat is quite similar to wat i created in my imagination... I've made my decision.. Tis time, very sure. No confusion.. Not going to tell him. N no. I dun love him.

9/11/2011
Two days before i told you everything tat i feel abt you.. I remember right on tis date, two years ago, i ws on phone wit my bestfriend alone in my room, walking back n forth, telling her abt tis strange feeling tat i'm getting on u..haha Of course,she was freaking out. I remember ensuring her tat i wont be "in love" wit you or smtg cz i hv nvr did it b4. N obviously i din even hv the plan to actually tell you all tis at all! I hung up then came online on msn.. Soon aft tat we chatted.. I began to tell you abt ray n tried to give u sum hints on hw i admire ur actions ar skul. Bt still i nvr wanted a relationship between us. It ws totally out of the option. I hated love! N i'm serious. I have never fallen in love b'cz i hv nvr had a good opinion abt any guys. All i noe ws tat everyone is the same. They'll be good the moment u see them, turn out to be the total opposite the moment you noe them.This ws exactly my poin of view. Even wen i felt tat u might be different frm the others, i kept on telling myself tat You'd be the same sooner or later too. I remember constantly murmuring to myself nt to say "i love you" to you. You nt  showing any signs of noticing me just proved it to me tat i'm none other than any other girls tat u've known.. It was hurtful, bt i was very happy by just having you as my best friend. It ws more than wat i cud ever wish for :) .The main reason for me nt to tell you anything was tat.. i rather have you as my friend than a lover if my confession is going to ruin our friendship b'cz u dun feel the same way.

It was just different..Very different.. Things tat u say nw r creating a different feeling in me than before.. Last year, wen u tell me tat u love me, i just tell myself tat u r out of ur mind.. Bt nw wenever u say it, i feel as if it's nt real at all.. I dun noe baby.. Wen i'm very happy u r down abt smtg.. n wen u r happy i'm down abt smtg.. N wen we both r happy, suddenly smtg will happen frm sum1 else. Tat will then bring us both down.. We r still as crazy as before baby..i still do talk a lot, n u still do listen a lot to watever crap tat i talk abt.. Bt before, all i will be thinking abt wen i talk to u is tat wether u r actually listening or not or u got bored n stop listening eventually.. Bt nw, all i think abt wen i talk is tat...is tat if i'm nt wat u expected ur gf to be like or...i'm nt same as..."her"...I dun noe baby.. To be honest..ever since u left me..i've always has tis feeling in me tat..u left b'cz she's better..so i hv to be better than her to be gud enough... Tat is y wenever i talk..i stop n think wether there's smtg running in ur mind like.."she was nt like nish..I miss her" or...just smtg like tat...T.T it hurts to say bt tat is wat i hv been feeling... bt baby..This is the bottom line.. I love you.. I once did. N i nvr stopped.. Tat is y i still hv the same feeling n more for u nw than before.. Bt u r unable to see it cz..cz i'm always asking myself twice...wether i'm going to be left alone again.. if ever i am.. i'm just not gud enough..just not gud enugh for u baby..T.T


In short baby, i hv nvr, n will nvr let anyone to distract my feelings for u. I hv stood up to everyone who hv against it..even zahara.. I hv told her tat no matter wat she does nw is nt going to affect my relationship wit u... i hv told greg tat i love you n no one cn change it. I hv told my frens who said tat u just dun worth all my sufferings tat..u were the one..right into their eyes... I nvr give u up nor our love to anyone baby.. bt i feel tat i'm just giving it up to myself.. I hv the strength to stand up to everyone bt myself..I love you baby..tat's all i cn ever say...believe it or not..i do n i just dun care of wat any1 else say..i just hope tat u feel the same..

Yes Yes. We are. Everybody has been literally enquiring me abt finally getting back together. Kinda tiring though. Tiring as in answering all those ppl wit a yes. He's there again.. Saying tat he never left. Bt of course..i still need reassurance. Just b'cz i say tat i dun trust him is nt tat i really dun trust him. It's just tat, we've been here before n it ended in a away tat we never wished for it to end. I'm just..scared. No matter wat. Watever words tat r used to ensure me tat it's nt going to happen again, i still can't just give in myself.. I'm scared tat i'll be taken advantage of again. I do trust u. In matters of u befriending other girls, yes i trust u. Bt wat abt in life..? in pure love? I'm just waiting for smtg to prove it to me completely tat i can fall for u wit nothing attached to me for any sort of safety reasons..B'cz..i just love you. I just love you so much tat i'm scared to let you know it. Love you..

I slept at 2 last nite n miraculously i ws sleeping without waking in the middle at all until 7.41 in the morning.. My phone rang n it woke me up. I thought it ws my mom giving me ms call to wake me up n ask me to do chores or smtg so i ignored the vibration n continued rolling to the other side n tried to sleep again. Bt then tis sudden thought hit my mind of wether it might be frm him. A part of me ws telling me nt to get too high cz..it might nt be him as i din expect tat he wud send me gud morning msg. bt at the same time another part of me ws praying tat it ws him.. Then i woke up n took my phone n saw his name.. I fell back on my bed n opened the msg, n it said "gud morning sweetheart :* " I took back my blanket n tugged myself back into it n closed my eyes wit the widest smile of mine on my face n a big breath of relief... For a moment.. i ws just closing eyes n thinking of hw he ws there wit me in the clinic , held my hand so tight wen i slide mine into his n kissed me without even asking me wat happened. He knew tat i needed him at tat time n he comforted me with no questions asked... i cudnt speak a word.. i just grabbed his sleeve..he looked at me in the eyes n said.." i love you.." 

Wat more cn i ask for baby..? Wat more cn i say...? Wat more cn i expect to happen..? except...except being there wit u.. Just hvg u by my side..Wat more do i need baby...? I don't.. i really don't..Even if the world meets an end...I wont care,As long as u r by my side,.i cn close my eyes forever by looking into ur's.. finding my comfort in ur arms heat.. It's enough baby. I'd experience heaven even before i'm even judged to go to either one..

My heart has been torn off sooo many times...It's in pieces..n aft a whole year..i'm still picking them up one by one trying to stick them together day by day wit every looks tat he gives me..Everytime his eyes meet mine i smile..T.T It's nt a simple courtesy of greeting..it's just..it's smtg wat really means to me. Only i wud noe hw it feels to live without those eyes..cz i honestly...honestly...honestly..did nt fall for him just like tat.. Both him n i noe hw much i thought n hw much courage it took me to actually tell him hw i felt abt him.. He had to force me n trigger me sooo much b4 i told him tat i like him.. It was b'cz it ws nt easy..T.T i thought..i thought he wudnt accept me..i thought i ws nt his type..n i din even noe hw shud a relationship be or wat happens in a relationship.. I even thought tat he wudnt want me cz..i'm nt pretty...n..we're in different religion..n..i dun noe..Bt once i spilled it out..the next second..i was literally closing my eyes n my heart ws pounding so hard tat it cud just burst out off my chest..N his reply ws simply "woooooooooooohoooooooooo" All i ws saying wen i read tat was.. Tis guy is crazy. Tis guy is Definitely crazy. He's out of his mind. Bt hey..we lasted...we really did..for one whole year...Stupid mistakes were made..Many break ups were done..Many arguments occured..many meetings were cancelled..Bt hey..we still held on strong to each other T.T i shudnt hv left him..i really shudnt hv..If i hadnt..none of tis wud hv been bothering him nor me right nw..He almost cried..he held my hand so tight..bt i held my heart stone like T.T I thought it ws the best for both of us baby..i really did.. i even consulted it wit u..we made a promise..I'm sorry baby..I really am..i'm really really sorry baby...i shudnt hv let u go baby..we shud hv just done the studying hard thing by staying together n motivating each other...with love..In tat case...both of us wud hv nt lost anything instead..our love wud hv grown much much stronger as it used to be...T.T

I used to hear tis song wen we first got together...Baby..u really made me feel like tis way.. the lyrics wic says " U showed me smtg tat i couldnt see..U opened my eyes n made me believe.." really happened baby..U showed me smtg tat i nvr knew abt love ever before...T.T

I just dun noe wat we r hvg between us... U hold my hand again..u kiss my forehead again..u make me feel tat u're always going to be there for me to cum inside ur arms..bt T.T I noe u baby..i've been ur's once completely... bt nw..it's different..there's sumthing i really miss in u.. Wen u said "i love you" it just...it really just slashed my heart...I found my eyes getting wet...I was speechless for tat 3 seconds...i had a gud look in ur eyes n ur face..to confirm tat it WS u who said tat.. It ws smtg tat i've always wanted to hear again...n smtg tat u used to say every single day for at least 20 to 25 times.. smtg i wud die to hear..n u Just told me just like tat... I just dun noe baby..I dun noe wether u actually love me or..or..u're going to just leave me again...T.T Baby..i'm nt the person who holds u back cz i need u..i'm the person who does anything..ANYTHING at all..to see u happy.. :) I told u before baby...i'd let u go..even if it kills me..T.T

Two minutes after saying tat i'm going to move on, i see myself waiting for u again T.T

Exactly hw i felt wen i ws loving u without u knowing it...T.T I noe tat i nvr wanted to post anything on my blog again..Bt rite nw..I hv completely lost everyone who listens to me..So i need my blog the most nw..

Omg...Just one last post...Today...is...11/8/2011....T.T

Oh..i tink u read my blog..U blocked me frm ur wall..Hw do u tink tat'll help...? I cn still see everything in her wall anyway.. well nvm..I dun wan to disturb u or ur life in any circumstances..I'm so sorry if my posts hurt u..Just erm..remove me frm ur fren's list on facebook. it's ok..I am no one to control u. Just yea..just remove me. N Tis will be also the last post tat u'll read in my blog... Like i told u..i dun wan to disturb u.. I cn always bury everything in my heart. I cn just nt let anything out in any places. Dun worry abt it. Bye..

U noe..on tat day..wen u left me for  the last time..Do u remember me crying for deleting the msgs u used to send me...? I could hv overcome u leaving me..bt..tat day...was just not the right moment..T.T Just tat morning i was so in love..n also very depressed abt deleting ur mgs..U even told me tat..u'll still msg me those things...N u'll be mine again...God..T.T It was just so hard... The next day...i wake up pretending as if it was all just a dream..trying to scroll through the old msgs to read ur gud baby msg T.T n i found none...It was just so hard.. Today..looking at u rubbing her head..just..it just scrapped off my heart..T.T u just...omg..i cnt type anymore...

Who am i to control ur independence..? I hv alredy been hurt enough..eventhough i am still hurt...It's ok.. I cn hide it. I hate to say tis..i'm nt swearing u or anything...bt..i really tink..U'll regret.. I dun noe y i'm saying tis..Maybe y i can actually be brave enough to say tis is b'cz ..i trully love u. N yea it's nt lovED it's love u. Bt yea I tink i dare to say tis is b'cz i challenge my love.. I noe it's true...very true. N i noe tat u hv done a  mistake by taking it for granted..I believe in the strength of my love.. I dun hv to do anything to make u regret..i wont do anything..Bt it'll happen...i dun noe y ...bt i really feel as if..u will feel it...tat's wat i've been always doing...i nvr do anything to make u feel my love for u..even wen u were nt wit me..i dun msg u , i dun talk to u abt deep things..i just be myself..n u felt it again urself..my love for u was different...i nvr expressed it through my facebook posts..i nvr advertised it to others..i nvr boasted abt it...n i nvr hurt u wit it...do u noe y..?Cz it was mine...god i'm getting teary..bt yes..it was entirely mine..i wud sit u anywer anytime..without holding ur hands without sitting side by side..bt i cn stay there for hours without even noticing it..I cn sit there just look at ur eyes while u talk n smile for hours n i cn still hate it wen the it's time to go home..Maybe tat's the reason y u left..Maybe b'cz u wanted it to be so freely known by others publically..Maybe tat's y u felt tat my love was nothing compared to the other... well..nvm abt it.... another thing is tat...i'll let u to see the least of me being happy.. Tis is nt my way of making u feel bad or anything..it's just hw i'm really feeling nw... 

STOP IT K! JUST STOP IT !! FREAKING STOP IT!!! T.T IT HURTS ALRITE! JUST B'CZ I DUN SHOW IT , IT DOESNT MEAN TAT I DUN FEEL IT T.T it really hurts...y cnt u do anything for me..? anything at all...Do u noe hw it felt wen u said tat it was just a joke...? I felt just grabbing u n slap u bt hug u at the same time...T.T  I told u nt to ever make tat sort of joke again...it hurt..u told me u'll nvr leave me again..though i noe u hv said it b4 bt u hv still left me..bt tis time..i still chose to believe u..T.T STUPID!!! STUPID ME!! TOO STUPID...T.T !! i've been hvg breakdown for 3 days...bt i nvr showed it... Cz i din want their relationship to be ruined again... i want him to be happy.. Is it so hard for u to do the same thing for me...? I'm nt asking u to cum to me..bt cnt u at least tell her..i cnt hurt nish anymore..cn we dun post things on walls n all..? cz it might hurt her... CNT U SAY TAT!! IS IT SO HARD FOR U TO GIVE UP LITTLE THINGS FOR ME?! i'm asking for little things...very little things...T.T U said a lot to me nizam....cn u recall them...? U took me up soo high.... Cn u imagine hw much it wud hurt...? wen u just drop me frm tat high...cn u imagine hw much pain it wud be...? U wont.. cz i nvr did tat u b4.. I  nvr brought u up soo high n let u down...in fact i took u in again n again cz i din want to see u hurt...T.T I nvr regretted taking u in even i wen i noe u wont be there for me.. I nvr regretted cz i had the chance to see u so happy for tat little moment tat u spend wit me.. It hurts...god...It hurts.... T.T wen u told me u r going to fight for our love..i was too happy...too happy...bt u gave me up again...Y Nizam....? y u nvr felt tat i'll be hurt...Wen u were wit me u left b'cz u thought abt it again n found tat she was hurt...She told me tat she have to take u away frm me..I nvr asked for u Nizam..Cz i tot love is nt supposed to asked...u din cum to me cz i asked u to cum...u felt it..u just came.. Y din u ever tink abt me wen u r wit her....?T.T hv u ever told her hw much hurt i wud hv been through...? I cnt take it!! I REALLY CANT ANYMORE!!! T.T i tried...god...i really tried...T.T i cnt...U nvr tink of me...tat's wat really hurts me... Nizam.....pls...too much...T.T i really just want to die..right nw...right here....god...

My baby is about to leave me again.... The reason y i write tis nw is b'cz..i wont be able to call him my baby anymore if he leaves...

All i cn say is just one thing, I got no freaking idea of wat's happening in my life. It's simply just clueless! I am clueless of my own life. Tis nvr happened to me..i mean..all tis while though i ws  being a complete emo girl n such bt i was aware of wat was goin on. Bt nw..i just dun noe. I really dun noe..bt i like it..:) i really do.. Like i said before.."He , who has the key , to my heart.." Tis post...was a very bad idea...i tink he found the key n he have also opened it n started to live inside again... I noe i might get hurt again. I noe i might go through it again. I noe i might fall down frm flying so high n hit myself so badly again. Bt i dun wan to chase him out of there...cz..i just want to see him doing wat he wants in the way tat he wants it, n in the place tat he chose to do it in... N i love keeping him in there...I just want things to stay..I dun even wish a second to move frm one to another...I want everything to stay..just the way it is...It's perfect the way it is.. I want it to stay..I cnt say anything at all...i just simply..love him..Tat's it..just love him... All wat i feel nw is just to hug him so closely to my heart n put him to sleep n just tell him tat everything's going to be fine... I just want him to stay there so calm..n nvr get out of my arms...I really just..love him... Sorry i cnt write more..I'm seriously all teary n stuff. byebye!

I still keep the msgs tat he used to send me early in the morning.. :) Though it's an old msg n i am nvr going to receive it again..Just looking at the msg the first thing wen i wake up just makes my day.. I may not be living in reality, Bt i noe hw it is in reality. No one is going to noe of wat i am doing in my "dream life" anyway.. Well..Many things happened these days..Nadia's pissed at him cz he picked her over their friendship n my care... Ray is also angry at him for revealing everything to her n allow her to be so judgmental abt our friendship....Jess is freaking pissed at her for sending those mgs to nadia N she asked me if she cud just punch her O.O wic yea i said she din do anything wrong..she just doesnt get the real thing. haa...Well..they just feel tat she's being such a hipokrit like infront of him n behind him...N she's a gud one indeed cz he believes her more than any of us.. There's ntg much we cn do anymore anyway.. I'm just letting her be.. C'mon, hw long cn she hold on..n hw long cn HE hold on? We will be still staying arn long enough to find out everything..so we just might as well stay patient n enjoy the show... Nt for the part wen he might get hurt pf course...,might, N yes it will be very uncomfortable for me..Anyway back to the topic. Yea, my frens r really angry at her tat they asked me nt to move frm the table anymore. They feel tat..tat is "our" table n stuff..so they just said..we'll let them both sit together n we all just move to another place.. I dun feel good abt it though...:( I mean..the group tat has been stayed together for years nw has to be separated n leave out one member together wit it...T.T just dun feel gud.. Another one thing tat i find weird is tat wenever he breaks up, she doesnt wan it, bt suddenly wen he doesnt wan it she wants it . I noe right. it's confusing. Well just let it be...I noe her motive like duh. Bt yea..just gonna let her do watever she wants..since the most important person just does not give a damn to believe..rrrghh!

Oh n smtg else happened. Zhi an found out abt all the things tat she ws telling me n nadia abt him. N he ws like asking me wether i've alredy told everything to him..Bt yea i said no. I said tat it's all going to be over anyway...
So yea..i just hope she stops..N she was SO pissed wen she saw me sitting wit him at the benches. N yea all of a sudden she was asking him if he'll leave her n things..I dun noe..I just leave it.. I just dun noe hw to explain e whole thing..Bt ppl arn cn understand it just by looking at it.. 

I just dun noe wat's goin on..Tis morning..i talked to him. I made everything clear to him.. I told  him everything tat happened.. Bt yea..i still din tell him watever she told nadia n stuff. Bt nvm.. I just dun wan him to get more hurt.. I tried warnings...i just hope he doesnt go so much into anything n then he gets hurt so badly n stuff...Well..he just kissed my forehead before he left..T.T it just got me in all tears n stuff... Anyway..he was sending me home again today..i gave him back the kaychain cz i din want to live in false hopes wen he told me tat..they r together again... So..i just felt tat.he might want to tink again of wat he gave me..n y he gave me it... Bt surprisingly...he actually dropped it back into my bag wen we were in the bus.. He just msged to look into my side pocket n asked me to keep it safely.. God...tears just well up my eyes... I just couldnt say anything anymore..b'cz..i ws unable to say wat i really wanted to say..T.T N it was nt a tank q...

Do u noe tat wat hurts me the most is tat...even U dun get me... U nvr bothered to even msg me aft sum time to even check on abt hw i'm doing.... Bt me...I always check on u n noe wether u're ok or nt.. A little...hey, hw r u doing nw..? wont hurt u much wud it...? I just cared too much for u n it all just doesnt mean anything to u at all....I just dun noe hw much more u want to let me down.. Frm morning till night...i just keep on checking my phone eventhough i noe tat there wud be no msg frm u... Bt a part of my heart just keeps on craving for it.. I really just dun ask for much to anyone.. Actually i dun ask for anything frm any1.. I just ask it frm u...n tat's nt much cz..all i'm asking for is a tiny bit  of care...if tat 5 cent msg means so much waste for u to msg me..it's ok..u dun hv to.. Bt i'll just keep waiting... T.T stupid me... doesnt worth love..

U get wat i mean b'cz u were there before, Bt she just doesnt get it. Evertime i say smtg, she tinks tat i'm being mean! tat's b'cz she just doesnt noe me. She has nvr been there before. All i'm trying to tell her is tat.. Dun try to get me. B'cz u wont understand it tat fast.. C'mon..the guy tat has known me for 3 years still doesnt get me. I dun wish for u to get me in just a few mths. All i'm sayin is tat, u wont understand me cz u just dun noe me yet... Dun tink tat i'm mean at u cz i'm freaking nt.. I'm trying so hard to explain it to u bt u just dun get it. I just dun noe hw to make u to understand. U noe wat. nvm.... God.....HELP ME!! JUST TAKE ME WIT  U! i wont make ur life miserable too....i promise...T.T

Maybe one day... After 1 or 2 years..u'll tink of me again... Bt i wont be arnd by then... I'll just recommend u to listen to this song...
.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzqWASHQ7Ao

I just may nt cum back to u wen u feel like u need me....

I din need any1 to help me out in my life.. I've been in my problems even wen u nvr entered my life. I was also going through it wen u were wit me. N hw did i manage to still be happy? B'cz...B'cz u were ard me... Just talking it out to u makes my burdens all gone in the thin air.. U noe tat's true b'cz i even told u tat. U din need to do anything to help me..u just hv to be there n listen..T.T Nw i lost the right to do tat too.. Nw i cnt say it to any1  anymore. Then y in all of a sudden u wanted to help me bt then ruin everything by revealing it to her??? U tink she'll help me?? Dont u noe tat she hates me?? Dont u noe tat i will nvr be intrested to share my personal things wit the ones whom i barely noe? I noe jessica ever since i came here. Even Jess doesnt noe everything abt my dad n me. Hw did u dare to say EVERYTHING to her? u cud hv atleast asked me...couldnt u..? N still u cn blame me for nt letting any1 to help me? Was wat she did was a help?? She almost made me to be freaking lonely girl wit just one msg to Nadia. No1 cud hv done any much of a help to me more than u. U just fail to noe tat?? 2 years ws nt enough for u to noe abt me? abt hw much i love u? n hw much i appreciate u? ?U still want to be treated wit vulgarities n everything? go ahead...Cz i may nvr be able to treat u like tat..

Me??? Y am I hurting u?? Tink again.. I've kept Enough hurt for myself without saying A WORD abt her to u. U noe her character n u cn still defend her frm Me..? She hurt ME. nt the other way arnd. If she wants u so badly..y the f*** did she sent me msgs to make me want to stay wit u?? it is just so clear tat she wants to rub it on my face tat "hey! he chose me nt u! so get out of here!" Let me tell u smtg girl...Love is NOT the way to hurt ppl.. U tried to hurt him wit love, n i managed to stop it. So u r very angry at me Thus, u just wanna get back at me. Go ahead. do wat u want. U said tat i'm a girl wit no heart. U noe wat my problem is?? My problem is tat i do hv heart wic is just too kind for u. Everytime u insult my love for him, i just shut up b'cz i din want to cause any fight. Bt tis one was jus too much... It just hurt me more wen he asked me wat is fucking wrong wit u.. T.T Wat's wrong wit me is tat i Freaking trusted u!! I really did... U r nw conversing wit her n scolding me. Do u even remember tat u told me she treats u more like a friend than a bf?? Do u remember scolding her twice or thrice b'cz of her attitude..? Do u remember telling me tat....u r finally wit sum1 ur own..? T.T I was stupid enough to believe everything u said.. nw u tell me.. who hurt who..? I dun like her. i really dun. n she doesnt too. Bt i still smile n talk infront of her wen i see her. Tanks to tat kindness..she is nw ruining my life.. She's telling u tat she doesnt bother abt me or pity me?? Let me tell u smtg, I dun FReaking want u to PITY ME! no1 has to hv sympathy on me! My best friend is asking me wat is my problem wit her, jess and ray. Wat am i suppose to answer them?? They were my world. If anything ruins my relationship wit my frens, I'm telling uj girl tat u just got urself in SO much of trouble. I tink i've been enough kind to u. U were just here for a few mths bt then u alredy created SO much of trouble.. U want him so much..take him.. Bt only if he wants to be ur's. This is the only thing tat i told u. Then u just started to throw vulgars n everything...U still expect me to just shut up then?? I tink i alredy noe u well enough. U just want him to defeat me n to be wit u infront of me. If tat's smtg tat u really want to do to me...Go ahead T.T he had killed me enough in my heart.. Tis is the onky thing tat he still did nt do..so..just let him to do tat too.. 

I'm not supposed to love you, I'm not supposed to care, I'm not supposed to live my life wishing you were there. I'm not supposed to wonder where you are or what you do...I'm sorry I can't help myself, I'm in love with you..

I don't understand why God would let us meet
knowing that we could never be together
You don't know how hard it is to get over you....
when every time I see you, my heart begins to smile...

He means so much to me. I just wish he
knew because when I’m around him
the sky is a different blue and when he talks to me
my knees begin to shake.
The last thing I want is another heartbreak.
If he would love me like I love him
I could tell him that I will always be true
but when I try to talk, I just don’t know
what to say because I know he doesn’t feel the same way

The worst thing a guy can do
Is make a girl fall for him
When he has no intention on catching her

U made ur choice of sumone else over me thrice... Hw cn u ensure me tat it wont be easy for u to de same thing again..? Maybe if she cums back..u wont even look at me again.. U kept on leaving me over n over..is b'cz u noe tat no matter wat..i'll be still waiting there for u.. Bt ws it wrong for me to feel the same abt u..? I ws always disappointed b'cz u nvr did.. Still..i waited. I just feel so stupid.. Maybe it's just me. I tink i'm just nt gud enough to love sum1 or to be loved By sum1. I tink the girls u chose over me were much much better.I tink i shud learn hw to love sum1 frm those girls. They r so much better than who i am. Maybe i need to change.. Maybe my love was just overwhelming for u so..u din want it. It's ok... I've learnt it nw. 

I have been crying a lot lately. Like a lot alot. Well anyway today, ntg much happened at skul. Just little bit of tears n a lot of talks. N yea today i was actually supposed to go and buy my mom her face cream. She has been askin me for two days BT c'mon! It's like all the way at Geylang! N the person who brings me there is not even looking at my face anymore. Hw wud i ask him like Oh wat bus do i take? -.-" I mean..i asked my fren to ask him bt apperently she is more interested to ask him abt smtg else than wat i wanted her to ask him. haa...i cnt do much though.. Just now...I was waiting for Ray.. Actually my real reason ws nt tat.. Bt yea.. i was waiting for her n while i was waiting..i was reading all the msgs tat he used to send me... N once i saw "dun worry baby..U will nt lose me again" I just cried... I couldnt just hold back my tears.. He msged me tat n nw look...i hv alredy lost u..was it my fault...?? T.T  All i want is answers..n wat were u to me if u fail to even give me tat..? Well..while i ws crying i received a call. It was Ray. She ws saying tat she ws outside at the general office, as i was talking n wiping my tears away, He was standing behind me! omg...tat closure at tat moment...just made my heart race so fast...Bt there were questions just running in my mind like "omg he's here! y is he here? did he wanted to talk to me??? did he wanted to say anything to me??? did the phone call just ruined everything???" Bt then..i dun noe.. i cnt just ask him! bt yea...i just continued to walk away...faking a smile cz i ws goin to meet my frens..

He called me.. He called my name!! At the canteen! aft skul! omg..i tot i ws just hearing things bt NO he was really calling me!! i cn still hear it in my head "Nish...Nish....NISH! " then i ws like "huh??" wait did he just...call me..? Bt hey! dun get to excited. read till the end. Well me n Ray had ntg much to do today aft skul. So we decided to stay arnd for awhile. During then.. He was having NCC. Do u believe tat..i was actually being his girlfrend in my mind..? i was like thinking as if i went to buy 100 plus.. n wait there for him to end NCC..cz he looked so tired.. n i ws even imagining tat he came to the canteen to say "hi baby, :)" then he'll be drinking the 100 plus tat i bought for him..then i'll be replying him while he's drinking "yea hi baby..:) Wat time r u gonna end?" then he'll be like "i dun noe b, u want to go home first? i mean if u want to go u cn go :)" Then i'll be like "No! I'm goin to wait :) I love watching u doing these kind of stuff.. :)" Then he'll be asking "u sure u not tired b?" then i'll be like "No b :)" haaa...a perfect love story. TAT'S wen i got a msg tat said "Baby!! wait for me at the NCC room!!" i....i crashed down...T.T it was frm his girlfren. She ws suppose to send him the msg bt she sent it to the wrong number cz my name n his name both starts wit "Ni". T.T Ouch...it really hurt..really.. U noe tat tis morning! he ws having so much stomach ache tat i so knew it the moment i entered the canteen! The girl wanted to talk me n wen she came wit me she was saying "he's so stuborn right! Is he always like tat!?" n i was just listening. Untill she said he has been having it like for so long. N then she continued to walk! HELLO! i was like eermm i'm goin back to the canteen! I mean zhi wei shud hv panodol i was asking every single person tat i cn find to get medicine for him to eat T.T Finally i got menstrual panadol N i din care i just wanted him to drink it n i straight went the drink shop to buy him water! Cz i was getting more n more worried tat he was drinking frm water cooler. T.T all tis care was enough... Right before i cum back frm the drinks stall..he went to the parade ground.. I called him.. bt he nvr came. I nvr drank the water at all u noe..T.T i still hv it in my bag cz i ws still goin to ask him to atleast drink the water.. It's ok if u still want her b.. I mean even during ur NCC..i knew she ws goin to be there bt i din stay n look at u to see hw u behave wit her.. I stayed cz i've always enjoyed looking at u doing ur  NCC.. It's so stupid tat even aft all tat happened..i still...din suspect u.. bt tat msg..opened my eyes... T.T it's ok b.. i'm fine. Just go wit her. I;m just warning u abt one thing..be sure tat wat u tink she tinks of u is the truth before u go to her..

Let me just tell u one thing..Silence..is nt goin to help to solve anything. Nt anything at all. I cn be quiet all u want bt..will the things tat we wonder abt get solved..? If it wud then..be as quiet as u cn..n i'm just going to play along..

Stop staring at him for Freaking godsake!!!! T.T I'm such an asshole! Cnt i just distract my sight? Well.. anyway i tink wat nadia said was true..maybe it doesnt bother him...i mean there r times wen he looks sad n everything..bt..i cn totally see him laughing out wit frends more than me.. Maybe it just doesnt bother him as much it bothers me.. Okay, besides tat, i did smtg VERY stupid yesterday tat i din actually mention on yesterday's post. I..lied to Nadia tat i'm going to the toilet during D&T lesson..to see if he din forget to bring his PE attire. :P I noe im being ridiculous! Bt yea..i mean..it's my routine to check wether he brings them..n in the morning i din get to peek wether he wore the shirt inside so..i decided to go out to check :D N yea...i din seem to find him.. BT THEN, i saw him playing basketball at the back through the small gap frm the toilet!!!! I clearly understand tat i am NUTS.. bt i cnt resist it. Yea..bt anyway...the girl told me she's nw "routing" for Farhan -.-" Wic i dun give a damn abt ...bt i'm just worried abt him.. I mean..he still sits wit her..talks to her.. i wont be surprised if he gets back together wit her again..bt just saying tat...find sum1 who loves u both in the inside..AND the outside... nt who only pretends to love u outside n not in the inside..

You are Walking In the Rain.,
But You Feel Only Ur Eyes Getting Wet.,
That's the Pain Of True Love..


Hurting some one who really cares about you,
is as Easy as throwing stone in an Ocean...
...
But,
.....
Do you know that how deep does that stone goes?
"So think twice before you hurt someone.."


Please Dont ignore or avoid the person who really Have a true love on you ...
Because
It may make you feel worse when they learn to live without you and your memories !


The Hardest moment is not when u lose something
and
tears roll out of your eyes
but
its when u lose sumthing
and
still smile.


Its hard to pretend you love someone when you don't but its harder to pretend that you don't love someone when you really do..

Oh  My Freaking God!! Mean mean mean mean mean!!!! Hw much mean-er cn she get??? Seriously!! U just broke up like DAYS ago n u r telling me tat u r getting together wit ur Ex's Friend?????!! N u dare to even tell me tat ur ex is a dumbass to ME!? Wic it goes tat ur ex is also MY ex!! Ok i noe my post is very confusing bt yes! let me simplify it. She has a ex, wic is also my ex, n nw since she is nt together wit her ex anymore, like duh IT'S HER EX, anyway, she nw likes her Ex's friend, wic wud also be My ex's Friend. Get It?? Ok maybe i made it worse bt yea! u shud get it! By the way yes!! Like c'mon u brought me away frm there just to tell me tat "Hey! He's such a dumbass!". Hello!! WAT WAS TAT?? I mean let down my jaw sooo low tat it almost touched the floor n u still din shut up bt continued to say tat He is an asshole too!!? Bloody hell.... -.-" Ok ... if u really hate him tat much, pls dun act so cute n innocent in front of him. -.-" It's like u just told me tat he's stupid n stuff n even said tat u r alredy gettin together wit his friend bt once we're done talking u r like playing all lovey lovey wit him. U tink he's a bloody toy?? For your information, i din purchase him from Tampines Mall 'Toys r us' Two years ago! God... Well...Wat's the point of me being so protective against him..?  C'mon..he's keeping his promise to her tat he'll nt contact me anymore. Doesnt tat explains tat he is being loyal to her. Wic means tat he wants her... I noe... Bt...i just cnt pretend like everything is fine... I'm just...too stupid to realise the reality.. He's going to be wit her again n i'm goin to get hurt again n im going to write those things on my blog again n IT'S ALL JUST GOIN TO HAPPEN AGAIN. nt the part wen he came back to me of course.. Life is complicated..

It's just amazing of how she actually talks SO bad abt him behind his back n pretend as if there's ntg like tat at all infront of him. Sheeesh..she tinks i dun noe?? well no one cn be any dumber than tat then. C'mon! U told things abt him to my best friend, n still cn tink tat she wont tell me?? I dun care abt u. Bt pls..just dun tink he is too stupid too k..? U cn tink tat he's being all lovey dovey wit u ..bt ntg cn change hw dirty u r abt him in the inside.. I noe im stupid to say these. Cz even wen i am hurt Tis bad...I still tink abt him..Bt it's my feelings. N no one cn tell me hw i shud feel abt sum1 who i love... U noe one day.. U will realise sumthing..  Bt then..It just wudnt happened cz...i wont be arnd anymore...T.T my life is miserable bt my hope is unshakeable... Just pls..Pls dun play wit him. I noe he played wit two hearts..bt..he just wanted to fix the problem.. Bt he did it the wrong way.. He din noe k,!!?  n U dun hv to tell me abt HIM. I noe him MORE than u do. So pls, just save ur msgs to me. 

Y ? y me??? How did u hv the heart to do tis to me? I..i really tot u loved me..T.T Bt i was ntg. I nvr posted anything on my blog for a very long time..b'cz aft my last post..my life was lovely.. T.T I WS SO STUPID! i was too stupid to believe u! I tot u were mine..finally.. bt no. U were not mine at all. Wat i felt was right. I told u on friday tat i nvr felt i got u completely aft our break up last year.. N i was right. Tat's b'cz u were not. I loved u so much..T.T hw cud u be so unfaithful to me..? No matter hw much i gave u it was nt enough right..? U still needed another love.. Even when the girl asked to choose me or her..u promised her tat u'll nvr contact me again..T.T It hurt Nizam..T.T U said i wont lose u again...T.T Bt u nvr gave me urself in the first place.. I really wanted to be sum1 special to u...i really did..nt only nw..frm even 2 years ago...i love u.. bt u don't.. At least i had the guts to tell Greg right to his face tat Hey! i love Nizam. It wud hv hurt him. i noe it wud hv. Bt i ws being honest.. N i only had u in my heart. Bt u din hv the same guts.. U gave me up for her..T.T  U made me to lose to her. I'm a loser.. T.T in everything in my life..including ...love. 

Haaiizzz....i feel like i'm livin in my dream world....I dun noe wat's going on!! Bt...i like it. N i want it to stay the way it is... I just love it the way it is... I dun noe if he feels the same... One day, he wants me. Another day, he just wants us to be friends. Then, he wanted me nt to see him or talk to him anymore. After tat he said he just loves me. Wat am i to do??!! Bt nw..we're still sticking to the last one.. I just hope..really hope..tat he wont let me be alone again.. Bt at the same time..i tink i wont be surprised if he does.. Bt i dun wan him to.. AAHHH I DUN NOE!! all i noe nw is. I love him. Tat's it!

Hello everyone...
Love gives bt it also takes. It gives a lot wen it cums to us.. Bt it takes all away wen it leaves us..
Love is not smtg tat we feel by force, it's something tat will just struck us wen we see sum1 for the first time..
It happens wen we first meet sumone n just feel our nerves chilling..palms wet..n wen u speak up..u'll either go out of words or u stammer..
U may seem to be fine wenever the person is nt arn.. until u see urself scanning through the crowd n asking ur frens wether they've seen them anywer..
It makes u go crazy..It makes u go to the edge of all happiness..
It makes u to feel like u r most wonderful person in the entire galaxy..


Wen u walk wit them..u feel the warmth tat u felt wen ur mother held u for u the first time even if the person is not holding ur hand..
Wen u talk to them, u will feel as if u have no idea of wat language they're using even if they r not even talking to u at all...
Wen u stay alone, U will find urself smiling to the person even if they're nower to be found..
U will feel tat ur life wic was once empty is nw Full of complete wonders n joys..


My life was a white paper wic ws suppose to be crumpled n thrown into a bin..bt love drew an amazing, wonderful, beautiful picture on it n made it into a master piece..
The magnificent piece was kept securely in the museum coz it ws priceless...
N nw no one takes a glimpse at it because the ink was a false ink tat disappears after a while..
The paper ws white again..n nw it is found in the bin..crumpled as it ws supposed to be...n back to wer it belongs..

Ohh god u noe wat! I'm giving up! no matter hw hard i try. i just cnt pretend like i'm happy without him. I just love him~! Alot!! A LOT ALOT!

I asked him. Yesterday. I knew i had to. Yesterday afternoon...i had the time of my life. I loved every second of it. He took me to a lot of places. He even gave me a cute teddy key chain while we were having lunch together. It was my happiest day ever.. Bt at the end of the day. All my smile became tears.. I told him tat we cnt be tis way forever. N it just hurt me badly wen i said " I got myself into tis..n nw i hv to get myself out.." I just back off frm his life.. I cnt be wit him.. I just cnt.. Tat's it. My love life was such a failure. 

I dun noe wat's goin on in my life right nw.. He told me tat he loves me..he hugged me..he said things to me again.. He started calling me baby again. Bt i still want to noe wat he wants... I mean, he did tat all to me bt then..he's still wit his girlfriend. I want to noe wat's goin to happen to me.. Am i going to go through tis all over again? I want to ask him..bt i dun noe wat he's answer wud be.. watever it is, I noe wat i hv to do.. I hv to ask him. No matter wat. I cnt be like tis forever.

Yo peeps. Finally i've deleted my previous blog n hv imported all my posts on tis new blog. With tis, none of my friends will nvr get to see the other side of me :D Anyway i really gt a lot to do wit the whole new blog. It needs a complete makeover. First of all, the blog's skin, n layouts n lot other things. Bt no time for tat nw. It's night time, n i hv an AMAZING romantic teenage story book to read. I'm like completely engrossed in the book! It's so my kind of book. Nt too romantic. a bit of thrill. bit of mystery. N it's actually more like a typical teenage girl's diary. It just hv a lot of expressions n descriptions. Just simply love the book. Yea most importantly it hs a love story wic is like a love story tat i've always dreamt abt! It's really nice..hhaaa..... Ok tat's it! no more time to be wasted! i just HAVE to finish up the book by tonight. Bye peeps! gotta go! snap snap! :D

Omg...well smtg really awkward ws happening yesterday.. First of all , boyfren. Ok fine -.-" ex-boyfren. I just had the feeling tat he ws really ignoring me n i just dun seem to find the reason y. So i decided to cum clean wit him. Told him sort of wat i really feel n requested answers. Wen i ws reading his replyi worked  my eyes with a bit of tears. N then received a call wic totally crashed the moment. N it ws my bf. As in my best friend. She just called me up in such a sudden n boom! She asked me a question tat really really quite personal! Well she did warn me tat is ws goin to be a weird n personal question..BT C'MON! i didnt expect tat! -.-" fine..She asked me  wether if've kissed sum1 before!!! >.< ohh man...i just broke down like c'mon two relationship reminders in a day without any gaps?? puh-lease.. Fine..i then i answered her n then she said smtg totally weird wic i totally din expect O.o bt tat  is totally nt wat i mean to say. It's just tat wen we were talking abt the kiss thingy..she said smtg..She said it's actually a joyous feel. The kiss... So yea  it brought back sum memories alright.. N yes as i am a very sensitive person wic is nt recognised by my frens at all, my eyes just well up wit tears when she said joyous..haaa....nvm. Bt then she said smtg else too. she told me tat SHE READ MY BLOG!! URRRGHH!! i felt sooo stupid like DAMN ergh -.-" she ws NT suppose to read my blog..cz it's..it's smtg. It's just tat watever i write in my blog is actually purely wat my heart feels..N i din wish anyone to noe especially my own frens.. I mean i dun mind others looking at it bt nt the ppl arn me. I just felt freaking bad n i ws screaming like hell of course. Then i just started to blurt out tons of reasons bt i stopped wen she said smtg. She said..i kinda feel..ur pain.. Wow ws tat touching or wat...? n yea i ws all teary again..It felt kind of nice to hear tat frm sum1 who is really close to u n finally found out smtg tat i thought she'll go crazy if she sees it. Bt yea..everything ws just fine actually.. Well ii'm soo gonna privatise my blog... At least cover it up frm her.

It feels like it has been years since he has left to overseas...Finally he's coming back today!!! :D I'm so happy.Yea i noe tat his priority goes to his Girlfriend of course..bt yea i dun wanna tink abt tat nw. I just hope i hv at least made him happy a little just a little, so tat he'll tink abt me once in a while.. I had ntg to do with watever tat happened between him n his ex..bt nw i'm  the victim. Was it my fault tat u fell in love wit her again? Was it my fault tat u had to let go of her in the first place? Or was it my fault to have u as my first love wic makes tis wound so hard to heal...? T.T u told me tat u've nvr loved any of ur girlfriends as much as u loved me..bt did u really mean it?? If u did then..y did u fall in love wit sum1 else? U told me tat u want us to get married in future..bt isn't tat wat u told ur girlfriend too...??? So i just din mean anything to u AT ALL right.? Bt i'm nt like u. I'm dumber. Even wen i realise all this pains tat u hv given to me, i'm still standing here. I'm still caring abt u. Everyday since u were away i hv been having dreams tat u hv returned here n came to see me. Tat's b'cz i keep wishing tat u wud do tat. Everyday i spend half of my day inside my heart thinkin of wat will u be doin at tat time. Sometimes even guessing tat u will be thinkin abt me, cz at the back of my mind i noe tat u wont be. Let's just put these aside k.. I just want u to cum back safely. I've been waiting for ur replies since  morning to check wether u've arrived here. Cum fast..pls

He went for holidays to Europe!!! damn i nvr thought i'll miss him! >.< cz i dun talk to him so close anymore bt nw..! god y is tis so hard for me...?! T.T bt i'm glad tat i had the chance to pour at least half of wat i feel abt him to him. I asked him to ask me one question. Just one having in mind tat , tat question is the last thing he cud ask me.. And he asked me y i left him.. To be honest i really cudnt answer him. Maybe for tat moment i was thinking more abt him who is attached to another girl. Bt then, i thought abt it. N i din want to tink tat way. I just wanted to answer him n i did. I told him y.. I told him wat i felt.. It felt gud after letting him noe actually. Bt i cn see tat he cnt change anything nw. I noe tat he felt bad aft wat i said bt ntg cn be changed. Nw for the moral of the story. I miss him..A lot. Just hoping tat he'll enjoy the vacation n return here safely. 

Wake up! Cz Wen u do, I won't be there anymore..

The whole day u hv not talked to me..n to u it's ntg Bt to me it's everything. Why don't u understand!? T.T i really hate u b..tanks for wat u've done..The whole day i've been thinkin abt ntg else bt meeting u n hearing frm u bt u just dun seem to care huh...?

Wow today was a really tiring day! Went out to tanjong pagar to setlle sum family issues n i came straight back to meet cikgu for extra lesson. Real freaking tired bt dare to sacrifice for o lvl :) Anyway he was chatting wit me last night. It ws...amazing.. We talked abt our long lost love. I ws smiling like hell wen  we slowly recalled all the memories. I felt like i ws his gf again for tt little moment..:) He even told me tt he'll give me a hug today. Bt smtg happened. His gf showed up in all of a sudden. I ws fine with it. as usual. Then she ws talkin wit him on the other table there ws like sum issue between them. I ws sitting wit my fren Farhan! :D haha i ws making a ridiculous sauce wit all the leftovers on the table :) then , she saw it n she did wat i ws doing n then played wit farhan . I'm nt nbeing jealous -.-" cz the reason y i'm saying tis is just to say tat She ws being so mean to him! him as in Farhan! She ws like showing him THE finger, n saying "those" things at him. I ws like damn shocked O.O! Nvr heard a girl , who is a gf of Farhan's own fren , calling n doin things like tt to Farhan even wen his fren ws there. I cudnt do anything bt to stay quiet. Haaaaiizzz.....:( oh n the moral of the story..At last i din get wat i ws suppose to get... Forget it

I seriously tink there's smtg wrong between him n his gal. N to me, frm wat i see, i tink the problem is actually the girl.. :( I'm sorry it's nt tat i dun like her. Well i actually dun -.-" bt tat's nt wat i mean to say nw. She's...I dun noe..I just wonder wether she really loves him. Her facebook posts r like scary cz watever she says abt her love is nt abt him bt abt her ex. I really wonder y the hell he chose her for...i just hope tt he follows his heart cz if he wants to fight for her..i'm afraid tt he might lose. In fact, to be honest i tink tt she doesnt worth fighting for -.-" Trust me if i had a boyfren like her who's in relationship wit me bt still loves his ex, I'm so gonna dump him! I mean like c'mon! i love u bt u love who u hv alredy dumped?? Then..wat u mean to say is tat , my love for u means ntg nw cz SHE'S still in ur heart?? Pls even if i love a dog, it'll love me back. Bt u r behaving worse than tat by just wasting away my love for u. Ok maybe i shud nt be so mean huh? :( Sorry, bt just cnt see the one tt i really love getting hurt. I really wanna do smtg...bt..i'm sorry. My hands r tied...

If ever he wants to do smtg for me i cn suggest him one thing. Slap me n tell me to get out of ur life. I'll do it. Bt dun try to tell me tt i dun noe u well enough...Hw dare u show tat application n say tat we's so nt a match?? Wat does tat thing noe abt wat u said to me n wat i said to u? Wat does tat noe abt wat we been through together? Wat does tat thing noe...abt..hw much i loved u n hw much u din?? T.T Dun tell me tat just b'cz tat stupid app u agree tat we were nt gud together if tat ws the case we wud hv broken up the very next day we got together..

He used to msg me every 5 seconds :) I wondered is tis guy mad or smtg?? N if i dun reply in 5 mins i'll receive at least 6 msgs frm him... He ws caring..Nw even wen he's online on facebook, he just ignores me bein online. He just doesnt noe tat the reason y i cum online is just atleast to see him there. N i log off wen he's nt. He doesnt noe all these..:) I feel so silly doing tis for him..Bt hey just seing him online puts a smile on my face :) bt seing him goin off without talking to me also puts tears in my eyes...

Today i had a gud talk wit my bff, i told her everything i feel abt him... Of course nt entirely everything bt ya sumhow everything. U noe wen i made the decision tat we shud get it over, one thing i told myself ws "once u've made tis decision, make sure tat there's no more regrets" N i tot i had no regrets aft letting u go. Bt nw maybe i dun regret my decision, i just miss it. I just miss hw u were there for me one whole year n then..u were just gone.. Maybe. Maybe if u were still single aft letting me go, i wud hv regretted...i wud hv regretted for letting go of the 1 tat really loved me..I wud cried to u asking u to take me back. Bt u mada all my feelings for u to turn in anger..Anger of myself for letting my feelings all over u even wen i cudnt see u i ws holding ur hand, even wen i cudnt touch u i ws combing ur hair..Sometimes i wish u cud see all tis posts...i wish i can tell u abt it..If u hv really loved me..u wud hv read it... If u hv really loved me n read tis..u wud hv asked me abt it..Ask me abt wat's bothering me.. Sumtimes, i wish i cud be ur girlfriend again for atleast a few minutes..If i ever get tat few minutes..i hold ur hand between mine, look really into ur eyes.. n i'll just ask u one thing "r u ok syg...?" tat's it. I dun wanna talk abt me, i'm tired of talking abt me to u throughout our relationship. I want tat few minutes to be ONLY  abt u... I just want to listen to u...i want to rub ur hands while listening to u..Comb ur hair while listening to u..slightly touch away ur cheeks n hold it in my palm... N i want to live tat moment for a life time...

Call me now..i'll cum into ur arms leaving everything i hv....T.T

"Syg ngah buat pe?" "Dh mkn b?" "Pegi tidur baby..." "dh mandi?" "i miss you dear..", "*hug*" "*kiss*" , ":*>"
All these phrases will always remain in my heart... Though u still hear frm sum1 else n nvr missed it c'min frm me..In my case, it's totally different.. I live wit it.. n within it. I cum home n hv no1 to ask me hw ws skul, or hw r u. No one even cares wether i'm home alive or nt.. Wen u were there, u were the first one to say gud morning to me..n the last one to say gud night to me.. Even nw, once i reached home i cum into my room n pretend like i;m u n will ask myself "syg ngah buat pe?" n answer it myself "ntg..u?" haha..i tink i'l' become a mad person soon..

If i tell you tat i love u..Will you love me back..? I dun tink so. Thus, i will nvr do it... I shud hv nvr done it.. T.T

Something just happened :D i was making my very first cake for my mom, aft i put in the oven i was sitting right beside the oven so tat i cn keep an eye on it while scrolling through facebook. Then i suddenly saw a phrase *hugs&kisses* on my fren's wall, n i got reminded of the past.. After a few minutes, i ws awakened by the burning smell -.-" I burnt my three-milk cake because of u. Tank q very much.

Wat a funny life..

I just wonder..wat a funny life i have. I keep in every single dream tat i want, unrevealed so tat sum1 else cn live happy... Worse even advise them to live happy. Funny huh? True.. I've kept in everything in for so long tat even if i ever wish to reveal it, i dun tink i remember hw do it. Only certain ppl tat enters our life knows hw to know these dreams of ours..we dun noe hw they do it cz they just hv  a golden key...love. Once they hv the key..we r just nt able to keep any secrets away frm them..even those wic u cnt even tell ur best friends or ur own mother. B'cz u noe tat no one cn understand it better than the special one in ur heart.. Haaizzz.... One of my dream, i need a gigantic diary.. i noe it's weird bt ya.. in tat case i write everything tat i write here, in there cz tis blog may be viewed by sum1 tat shud nt noe any of tis...*sssshhhh*

How stupid can i get??

I knew it. N i was rite..they were just playing..The break was a lie. Well i dun actually care much abt it. I just cant believe hw stupid cn i get to wait for him..at the bustop today aft skul..as if he's gonna like cum...I dun noe y i'm behaving like tis.. If only it were'nt for tat 1 night...if i did nt say yes to him..i wud hv been a complete different person nw. I tot it woudnt affect me much if we got apart bt..the quote u'll only know the importance of sum1 in ur life after they have left sounds so true to me nw... I just keep on wondering wether i cn change the quote in  a way tat wen u feel their importance they'll be always waiting there for u to cum...Apparently i cnt. Too bad for me huh....T.T

Long Time No See...

I have nt been posting anything on my blog for long again...well let me see...quite a lot of things happened...1st exams..dun wanna talk abt it...it's indeed better than before bt i still tink i'm capable of doing more. Then..choir, they're planning a farewell for us on the 30th june :) how sweet of the new members who does nt even noe us bt wishes to do a farewell.. :) Next...sum idiot proposed to me on facebook -.-" Lastly, Quite a lot to talk abt...of course..relationship.. He said they broke up.. I dun noe wether it's true or nt..bt yea according to him he still loves her n she just requested to be frens for awhile. Tink i noe y..b'cz nadia told me..bt dun wanna tell him. Tried advising, bt..i dun noe wether it is effective or nt.. I just wish he cud see.. I'm nt like telling him tat he shud nt love sum1 tat us frens dun like no, i'm just telling him...tink again..cz i just sense tat..smtg's wrong..smtg major is wrong...:(

Tis video clearly hw stupid i am nw...T.T

Today..he said his last goodbye to me.. Wow..nvr knew it'll hurt tis much.. bt yes..i need it i need to learn hard..I may hv disappointed him bt hey...wat else cn i do..? i'm sorry..i'm just trapped.. it's always easy to say frm the outside bt inside u wudnt noe hw it feels... I'm gonna be alone frm nw on.. i nid to learn tat losing ppl in life is normal.. even the ppl u love the most... T.T

Today ws soo stressful as any other skul day... Today he ws a bit down. He had problem wit his galfren.. I told him I'll speak to her abt it. Ppl cn say Tat I'm stupid to get them fixed Wen I still like him Bt I dun care. I want to do it so I do it. Anyway I'm used to make ppl happy Bt Nt to stay happy myself :) I'm Gud in hiding my feelings :) maybe too Gud huh...? :)

Ntg much happened today..so stressed out.. Din see him at all today.. I ws almost late for skul,din go for recess, just went for lunch.. Bt ya judt wen o tot im gonna be fine i saw
Him leaving skul while i ws in chemistry lab..well i noe tat i seriously hv to get over him.. Im really trying.. anyway gotta do homeworks so byebye for now..

U noe..i wanted to ask u smtg...though i noe i cnt....bt.....Did u kiss her...? How did it feel...? Did u feel the same wen u kissed me..? T.T Did u even miss me wen i went away...? I did... i really did.. i nvr showed it bt yes..i really did miss u...T.T bt hey wat's the point huh..? U moved on very fast... quite too fast... Leaving me behind without even checking wether i ws fine or nt... Remember the day wen we went to bugis..? We were walking in the crowd.. we had a fight..as usual i started it.. :) U walked away too fast while i stopped to check on the teddies around.. I din see wer u went... U left me... I ws just standing there. like an idiot..T.T i din noe wer u went..wer u were.. i ws just standing there hoping tat u'll cum get me.. N u did. U just held my hand n brought me all the way to the bus stop.. u din say a word.. We boarded the bus n i couldnt hold back my tears anymore..I cried.. i din say anything bt said dun leave me..T.T  dun ever leave me like tat again... U hugged me n said tat u wont.. I'll nvr forget tat day... nvr... u laid on my lap through out our journey back home..tat day wen i went back home i ws in a lot of trouble.. bt it all din matter.. :) the only thing tat i cud only see n feel ws u holding my hand...the image wen u just held my cheeks wit ur hands n hugged me... I've always wanted to say tis again,i noe tat i'll nvr hv another chance to say tis to u again...bt at least i cn sleep tonite wit the feeling like i actually did say it... I love u sooooooooo much baby.... T.T

A Very Bad Day..

Today was a very bad day...din bring my homework...had math test..fell on the staircase..climbed all the way upstairs with all zips on my bag opened.. The day cud nt get any worse... Well as for my lost love...it just got all over me today... I was so distracted by the thoughts of him today...I ws smiling to myself while i ws on my way walking to skul.. bt it all got shattered wen i entered the skul compound..T.T

Rub it on my face tat u love her...i'll keep smiling n accept it with open heart....T.T u will nvr noe hw much it hurts...Trust me.. u wont!

I dun even noe hw to do simple things!! T.T U've always taught me abt hw to do things.. Even do it for me wen i nid it bt nw... Forget it.. i noe i shud be gettin over it bt i cnt! wen i see tat u nvr missed me at all!! U just proved to me tat u nvr needed me! tank q! All these while i've been living wit only ur thoughts n memories n u pay me back by saying tat u nvr wanted me back.. T.T tank q so much...

2011

It's a  new year, finally i had the thought of updating my blog :) tanks to sum1.. Anyway i was thinking of deleting my blog.. found out there's no use for it anymore. I tink i cn post 1 last thing or 2 b4 i do it.. Life changed. A lot. Things tat i noe tat wud nvr change also have changed... tat includes people.. I find it hard to accept the changes cz for all i noe.. i dun control them anymore. Even the 1 tat i loved... really loved n thought tat he did the same, changed. Nt to blame him for anything.. i told him i'd be fine if he get's sum1 else. It just got worse...i dun noe wat to say anymore.. I feel like i meant ntg to him.. I feel like he just used me... i feel like everything he said ws just for the sake of saying it... Ws i tat bad..? Did i treat u tat badly tat u just cant wait to get over me..? Did u even tink abt me wen u got a girl..? Wen u held her hands..? i dun noe wether u felt all these bt dun tell me u din feel it even wen u kissed her right infront of me T.T tat! tat shattered me into pieces... U thought i din see u doin tat to her..? well u were wrong.. cz i saw it.. T.T i noe tat there were a lot conditions wen we were in relationship.. bt u noe y i was so controlling.. I ws nt able to talk abt it on facebook.. or wit frens.. i din even sit together wit u holding hands laying on ur shoulders while my frens were arn it's b'cz... i wanted u N my frens... Bt nw i cn see tat u're very flexible wit ur partner.. I'm happy for u :) u needed it n i ws nt able to giv it. I'm sorry. I'm writing tis believing tat he wud nt see tis.. nt unless i tell him wic i wont... He will tink tat i nvr update my blog n i'll let him tink tat way.. Let's see how much longer i cn hold on...